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A Place For You
A Healing Haven for Rape and Abuse Survivors
Helping Others
It can be difficult to know what to say or do around a survivor. There are things that may be obvious that can hurt him/her and things that aren't so obvious. It can be frustrating for you as someone who wants to be supportive. I am not an expert. I know what would cause me pain. I have based the following on what would cause me pain, what other survivors have said would cause them pain, as well as information that specialists have provided. There is a wealth of information to be found on this subject. Many books have been written just for the significant others (family, friends, lovers). I have only included a small amount of the information that can be found. If you are having difficulty knowing what to do as well as dealing with your own feelings please utilize the resources available to you.
Basic Do's & Don'ts
Do not blame him/her! He/she
didn't asked to be violated. Guilt is an extremely common feeling in survivors. It is enough that they may blame themselves for doing or not doing something. No matter what choices a
survivor made before, during, and after the sexual violence, he/she did not chose to be violated and have their control stripped away.
Do not assume that it is over and that he/she should be over it. A survivor may experience flashbacks and/or
nightmares of the attack for years after. He/she may even develop PTSD.
Do not confront the perpetrator. This can cause the survivor an extreme amount of worry. Loosing control of
your life is a very difficult experience. Loosing you and your support because of the confrontation will only make his/her healing harder.
Do not try to take over for him/her. The survivor needs to be able to regain their sense of control over
their own life.
Do believe him/her! Many others may blame him/her or believe that he/she is making the whole thing up. Many
will assume that he/she is making a false accusation because they do not want to deal with the reality that sexual violence is so common and so close to them.
This hurts the survivor more than you can know. If you truly want to help, and I believe that you do because you are reading this, believe him/her!
Do understand that the survivors anger that he/she is directing toward you or others is anger at what has
happened to him/her. It may be safer for him/her to release his/her anger at the perpetrator and the sexual violence that he/she experienced on you. He/she may not even realize that this
is what he/she is doing. Try to be patient during these times.
Offer to support him/her in what he/she is going through. The survivor may want someone there with them at
the trial if they are prosecuting or simply need you to let them cry on your shoulder.
Listen to his/her story if it is offered. Don't be judgmental. Make it clear that you believe that the
responsibility is the perpetrators. Make it clear that your feelings for him/her have not changed.
Thanks
Special thanks to the RAINN website, 'Recovering from Rape' book, and others for providing some of these great supportive tips.
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